by
Anonymous, Nadine Muller:
http://www.nadinemuller.org.uk/academia-and-mental-health/depression-and-academia/
I am an early-career academic who struggles with depression and
chronic anxiety. My mental illness goes back much further than my
involvement in academia, but the two have always been connected,
sometimes disablingly so.
At the same time, however, my experience of
depression has also been productive and inspiring of my academic work.
I
was first diagnosed with depression aged 13. Even at that age, my
mental health problems were closely associated with academic
achievement: my sense of self-worth bound up with doing well at school
and being perceived by others as ‘intelligent’. On various medications, I
was unwell and deeply unhappy throughout my teenage years, resulting in
the decision to take a year out between GCSEs and A-Levels.
This was a
successful strategy: upon my return to school for Sixth Form I found
myself flourishing: I was engaged with my studies and achieving well in
them; I was making friends; I was articulate and confident. For the
first time in my life, I felt like a proper person. Perhaps this new
contentment was too much for my unconscious to allow myself; at any
rate, it didn’t last long. At the beginning of the following academic
year I had a breakdown, and was unable to attend school (or pretty much
leave the house) for nearly a year.
Despite a disastrous change in
antidepressants, I was able to keep up with my studies enough to sit my
A2 exams in the summer, and, astonishingly given the circumstances, I
achieved well in them.
Back on the sertraline medication that had worked reasonably well for
me since I was 16, I then recovered enough to prepare for starting
university at in October. It did not go smoothly. Much of the time it
was a nightmare, but I coped. I was lucky enough to make some very
supportive friends, and attend a college that takes it pastoral
responsibilities very seriously. I managed to stay at university. Over
the years, with some dramatic peaks and troughs, bits of therapy, and a
pretty high dosage of antidepressants, I slowly started to get better.
Two years ago, when I graduated with my PhD, I thought a lot about my
early weeks as a first-year undergraduate student; about how far I had
come, and how I would not have managed to achieve this without certain
friends and family. I was hugely grateful and enormously proud.
More
recently, I have been thinking again about those earlier experiences of
depression, tied in with the pressure of the need to achieve
academically at school, and my difficulties with life after the
doctorate. My postdoctoral experience is the same as that of so many
others: I have not yet managed to secure employment in my chosen field,
despite having a CV full of publications, teaching experience, various
extra research activities, and the good opinion of those who have worked
with me.
I knew when I started my PhD that this was how it would be,
but I wanted to do it anyway - I needed to do it. I thought and
researched and wrote about what I wanted and needed to explore, and when
I finished it I told myself that even if nothing came of it
career-wise, it was worth doing for its own sake. I still believe that.
And I have also been lucky enough to secure enough part-time work in the
sector to earn a living through activities that can count as ‘career
development’, and give me enough time to continue postdoctoral research
independently, and also apply for funding and jobs.
But,
two years on, it has taken its toll. Unsuccessful applications,
combined with a perceived lack of productivity since my PhD, have
resulted in an overall sense of failure. In a highly competitive field,
with its discourse of overworked overachievers who need to be
doing all the things all the time,
I feel deeply inadequate, and this is also tied in with guilt: I feel I
have not succeeded at many of the things I’ve attempted because I am
not good enough, and not attempted as much as I should have, because I
am lazy and cowardly.
This has made me reluctant to engage with the
wonderful support and resources now available to ECRs, such as The New
Academic, because I end up comparing myself negatively to all those at
the same stage as me who have jobs, or are applying for the same posts
as me, and should be getting them rather than me because: look at that
CV! And all those blog posts, and tweets, and research networks!Looking
at the profile pages of other academics is my guaranteed way to induce
hyperventilation and nausea.
I have also struggled to develop my own research since finishing my
PhD, what with limited time, support, resources and mental energy, and
the shame I feel about this has often prevented me from making any
progress with the work: fear leads to procrastination, and anxiety to
inability to concentrate. Of course, I do not fully acknowledge all of
the things I do achieve and the tasks I complete because they are never
enough. With depression, and with academia, there is no such thing as
enough.
All
this coincided with an attempt to come off the antidepressants after
nearly 17 years. In April last year I decided that I was well enough to
give it a go, and seeing as I was working part time, and feeling
reasonably happy and settled, this was as good a time as any. Now I
sometimes wonder
what on earth was I thinking?, but it was a
brave decision, there would never have been a perfect time, and I try
not to regret it.
I tapered off the meds very slowly - over the course
of 5 months - and hoped that the symptoms I was experiencing were
transitory and would pass once my body’s chemistry had adjusted. A few
months after coming off the drugs completely I was barely managing to
function normally, couldn’t remember the last time I had a day without
crying, and accepted that I needed to go back on sertraline.
I had forgotten - it had been so long - the side effects of the first
weeks of taking SSRIs, and for a few days I felt about as bad as I had
for a decade. Unfortunately this coincided with two day-long seminars of
the Learning and Teaching qualification I am currently enrolled on
through my learning support work, and two days of presentations and
discussion on ‘the nature and purpose of higher education’ was the last
thing I needed at that time. Because I felt like higher education was
killing me.
What had possessed me, I wondered, someone who has suffered
since childhood with a crippling sense of inadequacy and perfectionism,
to seek a career which is extremely competitive, demanding, and involves
continuous self-scrutiny and laying oneself open to the judgement of
others? I decided I’m just not the sort of person who can be an academic
and be happy. All that mattered now was that I get through this, and get better.
A few days later, worrying about whether I could
not be an academic
and
be happy, I realised two things. Firstly, that I hadn’t made the wrong
choice in going into academia. It was never a choice. It’s just who I
am, to read and ask questions and write and teach and argue. The
profound grief I feel at not having progressed more with my postdoctoral
research, and especially at not having written anything substantial
about it, is a different matter from the pain of not having an academic
job contract.
The former is about what I find ultimately fulfilling, and
yes a great cause of turmoil and doubt, but also of satisfaction and
joy. The latter is about economic security, but more than that about
ego, and I don’t want my self-worth to be determined by recruitment
panels or funding bodies. I decided that I don’t
need an
academic career following a conventional trajectory, and it may well be
that I never get a full-time permanent academic contract. But I do
need to
research and write and wrestle with ideas, and thus I decided I would
do as much of this as I could manage whilst trying to get well.
That
was a few months ago, and now, settled on a moderate dose of sertaline,
I am starting to feel mentally healthy. I have accepted that I have
been ill, and thus it is ok for me not to have managed to work as much
as I would have otherwise. I continue to try to accept that whatever
one’s mental condition, it is really difficult to maintain the
motivation to research independently and look for jobs in an overcrowded
field, and that I should value what I have managed to achieve, not
berate myself for what I haven’t.
I have also been making progress with
my research - slowly, but of course the early stages of a research
project are slow, especially when one cannot work on them full-time. I
have started writing again (a little): ideas flow more freely and I am
more able to concentrate. The chemical changes of being off
antidepressants had much more effect than I thought they would, and I am
beginning to function normally now. I have also been re-engaging with
the research community, something I had lacked the confidence to do for
the last year, planning to attend conferences, and last month taking
part in the annual retreat of a research group with whom I did my PhD.
The
paper I shared on the retreat reflected on the problematic
interrelation between theory and personal experience in my research, and
I read to the group something I had written in my journal a couple of
months previously. In my distress at not having written anything about
my research into craft and new materialism, I forced myself to write
something - anything - related to it, so I wrote about knitting a complex
lace shawl as a way of alleviating anxiety.
Reading this paper at the
retreat reminded me that my struggles with depression and anxiety have
in many ways been productive for my academic work. The experience of
mental illness and patriarchal religion led to the questions that
resulted in my doctoral research in feminist theology. Thinking about
narratives of mental illness and recovery fed into my discussions of the
construction of ‘the personal voice’ in scholarship, as I used an
autographic approach in my thesis. And now, after depression and anxiety
had stifled my academic work for many months, they were once again
beginning to inspire it.